MSTable movies: U

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UFO- UNRESTRAINED FLYING OBJECTS
Yet ANOTHER dorky old driver educational film. This one is also a good one on safety, but it's badly discussed. Especially when you see the car turning over and over, looks like a carnival ride.
Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR (1975) Warner Bros.
This film is an early (mid 70s) entry in the post apocalypse genre. Due to some (as far as I can tell) unmentioned disaster, the world is in ruins, and a bunch of people in New York are hanging out in this building growing tomatoes in order to save humanity... They need some form of defense, so their leader, the Baron (played by the always-uninteresting Max von Sydow) hires a slow-moving but wise warrior (played by Yul Brynner). The warrior's job seems to be looking stern and getting to action scenes *after* important people have died.

The film does actually have a few moments near the beginning where it seems possible that there's a glimmer of intelligence in the script, but these impurities are swiftly crushed by the stupidity, which charges in ferociously and takes over the film. If you liked Escape 2000 and Warrior of the Lost World, you might find some entertainment here.

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
UNTAMED WOMEN (1952) Embassy Pictures/United Artists
One of my favorite (bad) movies of all time aired on Million Dollar Movie back in the early to mid '60s. Its title: Untamed Women. The premise (as I remember) is that a couple air force pilots crash on an uncharted island inhabited by Druids (all women) and Neanderthals - known to the women as the "hairy men". I would LOVE to see it again. Unfortunately, many people would complain about sufferage, but it's so bad, who cares?!?!?!
Susan Broderick, rock.ridge.ent@worldnet.att.net

This film excells in badness on a variety of fronts, but its greatest offense is that the director Took Himself Seriously. You know, Indulged his Artistic Passions to Make a Profound Statement. Which means we have a lot of truly Awful shots of hospital fan-blades cross dissolving into propellor blades. There is a bit of the Troubled Young Anti-Hero who has Problems with his Mother. This along with about 40 women whose chest measurements about equal their I.Q's.

A planeload of American fighting men crashes on No-Name Island. Guess What? It's inhabited by Druids even though it is (a) in the middle of the South Pacific; (b) is very visibly populated with birch trees and park benches; and (c) the girls speak the 'thee-and thou" Hollywoodese old timey talk while wearing Daisy Mae Scragg outfits and doing calisthenics to a small drum.

I should point out that this one takes the biscuit for the Single Worst Special Effect Shot Ever Created. Our heroes are thrown to a Giant Lizard. We know this because they yell, "Look! A Giant Lizard!" We then cut to the aforementioned shot. The men run around at screen left, dodging the obvious papier-mache boulders that occasionally are tossed from offscreen (from the center.) There is a huge black line down the center of the screen (on a movie screen it must be nearly 4 feet wide.) On Screen Right is a closeup of a small lizard in a terrarium, occasionally sticking out its tongue but otherwise not moving in the slightest degree. There is a reflection on the glass and a few pebbles under the lizard.

I always figured this one was made for the days of driveins when no one went to watch the movie. If only the director hadn't thought he was making Citizen Kane. There is some 'psychological' material when a young man who seems rather constipated is finally approached by the John Wayne-knockoff 'hero.' This kid has not had a single line in the movie and has a truculent expression in every scene. "What's the trouble, son--it's a woman, isn't it?" he says.

"Yeah---MY MOTHER!" the heretofore speechless young man says, and complains about how she was always telling him to wear his rubbers and dress warm in winter. Why, he got a complex! "Well, you'll get over it, son," The Hero says, and leaves the shot. Our young man then takes out a picture of his grey haired mom, throws it dramatically to the ground, stops and reconsiders, goes to pick it up--and a GIANT STUNTMAN HOLDING YESTERDAY'S NEWSPAPERS (ostensibly a 'maneating plant') grabs him around the waist.

I should not fail to mention the wisecracking kid from Brooklyn who fortunately falls into a volcano. I remember my sister sat through this to the end and came out of the room looking like she'd eaten a box full of lemons (I left when Brooklyn announced that the island reminded him of the Fulton Fish Market.) This movie has been a running joke in our family for years. It deserves inclusion in the list of All Time Greatest Turkeys because--well, it's so damn SERIOUS about all this!

Nancy Beiman, peachdog@mindspring.com

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com