MSTable movies: F

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FADE TO BLACK (1980)
This is sort of an evil slasher movie version of The Cable Guy. A movie-obsessed youth slowly loses his sanity, falls in love with a Marilyn Monroe look-alike, and kills people in re-enactments of famous movie scenes. Kind of a fun idea, but the movie is so silly and incoherent that it misses the mark and becomes nothing more than a marginally above average murder film or below average anything else. Tim Thomerson fans (yes, they exist) might want to see this earlyish role of his, but he's not very good in the film, no one else will probably want to bother with this.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
THE FAILING MARRIAGE (1977)
Just today in my Communication Theory class, I had this thing inflicted on me. Very 1977 in appearance, it is an examination of communication between a husband and wife locked in a...FAILING MARRIAGE. The narrator/ analysist looks to be about three feet tall. It opens on an argument between the couple that seems to last about ten minutes, and gets funnier and funnier as it goes along. Then, without warning, the narrator appears and essentially gives us a play-by-play of the argument. The narrator is the victim of about twenty of the worst jump cuts in film history. And just to keep the level of things depressing, it ends in the certain knowledge that nothing can save the couple's marriage. So what's the point?
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
FATAL FURY
Another MST3Kable anime. Sadly, better work has come from the same source (the SNK video game) and the character designs are compelling, but the script... EEEYUCH! Dumb, dumb, dumb and goes in circles forever before finally getting somewhere -- i.e., nowhere at all. Burn this one down.
Serdar, syegul@ix.netcom.com
FERGIE BUILDS A BUSINESS (?) Disney
This is a series of 4 (was it only 4??) educational films that I was forced to watch in high school. The son and daughter (whose first names I can't remember) of a family named Ferguson decide one summer that, instead of hanging out and enjoying the weather, they should get all the neighborhood kids together and spend the summer manufacturing cheap silkscreened T-shirts in their garage. They learn lots of important business lessons, but at the end of the summer and the first episode, the daughter (whose idea the business was) decides she'd rather go back to high school. Meanwhile, the son gets himself an ugly '70s business suit, gathers a less-than-inspiring team of advisers, and kicks production into high gear. He skillfully steers the business around such pitfalls as an airhead girlfriend, the world's most inept takeover artist, and the vital decision of where to put the workers' new coffee machine. Made with the wholesome flavor of a typical driver-education short.
From the editor
FIRE AND ICE (1987)
I have my very own store-bought copy of this movie. It's that wonderful. However,it must be seen to be believed. I cannot adequately describe it. It's animated, first of all; or rather it's rotoscoped. For those not familiar, rotoscoping involves filming live actors, then projecting the film frame by frame onto a cell and drawing from that. Legitimate animators sometimes use rotoscoping as an assist for complicated action sequences, but Ralph Bakshi (who is responsible for the equally stinky, but more yawn-inducing Wizards) used the process slavishly, resulting in a truly bizarre "style" of drawing. Fantasy artist Frank Frazetta consulted, and boy does it show! Anybody familiar with his "Deathstalker" painting (I believe that's the title.) will feel a strange sense of deja-vu... The Sword and Sorcery "story" features a scantily clad princess kidnapped by the ape-like henchmen of an evil prince named Nekron (by far the film's best character); a nameless warrior dressed up sort of like Batman-meets-Ator, a rock-stupid blond hero, a lesbian witch (second-best character), some assorted flying lizard-things, a monster apparently allergic to girls, lots of ridiculous fight scenes, melodramatic music, and many, many fall-off-the-sofa-laughing lines, like: "The next time you bring me one of your little sluts, mother -- I'll squash you like a bug!" This gem was a perennial party favorite among my friends long before we ever started watching MST. A must-see!
mlb@cais.com
THE 5000 FINGERS OF DR. T. (1953) Columbia Pictures
This is based on a Dr. Seuss tale of Dr. Terwilliger, who plots nefariously to put 500 small boys to work making music on his enormous piano forever and ever. Bart is the first boy to arrive, and he sets about to defeat Dr. T and rescue his own mother from the doctor's clutches.

This movie is just completely surreal. I have no idea how it's supposed to hang together. There are a host of bizarre characters, including a plumber who manages to create atomic energy out of the things he finds in Bart's pockets, a dungeon keeper who guards the dungeon containing all musicians who don't play the piano, and a pair of rollerskating "siamese twins" who are joined at the beard. (Don't ask.) There are several musical numbers that seem to have little to do with the plot. One in particular reminds me of a hundred Mr. B Naturals doing the "Gotta Dance" number from Singing in the Rain. :) The total weirdness of this movie is just too difficult to explain.

Ellya the half a bee, elle@unix.tpe.com

Rebuttal

FLASH GORDON (1980) EMI Films
We suggest that you add another Dino De Laurentiis film to the list [...] This film although a great sci-fi classic, defintiely has the cheesy effects and lame lines to deserve the MST3K treatment.

For example:
Dale Arden (Flash's Chick): Flash! Flash! Flash I love you, but we've only got fourteen hours to save the earth.

lsg@gas.uug.arizona.edu
FOOD OF THE GODS II (aka AFTER FOOD OF THE GODS and GNAW: FOOD OF THE GODS II) (1989) Rose & Ruby Productions
It is difficult to even begin to explain how bad a movie this is. It has absolutely nothing going for it other than the fact that it is tremendously hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

A child is given an experimental growth hormone, and rather than curing his growth problems, it makes him into a ten foot tall maniac who should have his mouth washed out with soap. A scientist volunteers to attempt to find a cure for the boy's condition, but instead ends up growing giant tomatoes which are eaten by rats which become giant killer maniac rats. The rest of the movie is very predictable if you've ever seen Piranha, Deadly Eyes, Piranha 2, or any such killer animal movies.

Highlights:

This film would be absolutely *perfect* for MST3K if it weren't quite so gruesome. Unfortunately, the gore is a little too realistic (and quite disgusting at many points) for this to ever make the show without some heavy editing. Still, if you can stomach the odd severed limb, the rest of the movie is funny enough to entertain the discriminating bad-movie viewer for its full ninety minutes.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (1980)
One of my nominees for worst waste of film ever. Bad acting, juvenile sets, stupid plot, and..nuff said. The only actor you'd recognise should have called for "zee plane" early on and escaped the set.
gydweli@aol.com

[Editor's note: This also has Danny Elfman as Satan. No, really.]

FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD (aka FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE GIANT DEVIL FISH and FRANKENSTEIN VS. BARAGON and FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE SUBTERRANEAN MONSTER) (1966) United Productions of America/American International Pictures/Toho Co.
It's Frankenstein with Godzilla proportions. That's about it! Really! This Japanese entry in the Frankenstein lore might have been the worst, hadn't Frankenhooker come 'round two decades later. Although the make-up is a crude replica of Boris Karloff's own flat-top persona, that's where all the similarities end. This is one of those rare occasions where you declare a 'Mary Shelley Free-Zone', with disclaimers on all movie posters of the vehicle to disown it completely, and to dispell any hesitation that might make you think other-wise.
Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.ca
FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND (1981) Cerito/Chriswar Productions
This inexplicable film stars John Carradine, patron saint of bad movies, as Dr. Frankenstein. The only catch is, he appears for about one minute total in the picture, all of it as a transparent figure floating in midair. Frankenstein's monster appears only at the climax, where he shatters a couple of beakers. The rest of the movie involves a group of balloonists who crash-land on an island populated by longshoreman zombies and women wearing leopard-skin bikinis, not to mention Frankenstein's granddaughter and her husband, Dr. Von Helsing. (Yes, it does seem that the filmmakers thought some Dracula references would spruce up this stinker). My personal pick for worst film ever made. But it's in color!
Jason Snell, jsnell@macuser.com

[Editor's note: Here we have yet another treat from Jerry Warren, who produced and directed Wild, Wild, World of Batwoman as well as this.]

FRANKENSTEIN UNBOUND (1990) Mount Company
This one really blew it. It featured Raul Julia as doctor Frankenstein, and the monster, and John Hurt as a time traveler, who falls in love with Mary Shelly, has a sentient car and eventually time travels to the distant future with the monster. The best part of the film comes when Hurt tries to kill the monster using some lasers that are hooked up to the Clapper.
Joe Di Blasi, jd6024a@american.edu
FRATERNITY VACATION (1985) New World Pictures
A tedious and non-sensical misogynistic spectacle. Members of two rival fraternities on spring break battle over which one will be the first to seduce buxom fossil Britt Ekland. Oh yeah, there's a subplot involving some geek losing his virginity. Surprise, surprise. This one's a treat because it features the now pompously overstuffed Tim Robbins, in a ludicrous role as one of the senior members of one of the fraternities, who is named "Mother" for reasons that are never really made clear. He takes his shot at Ekland and fails, although at her age, she should be jumping into the sack with the pizza guy if she can. Also features a very young Amanda Bearse, who went on to star in "Married, With Children" on T.V. Here, she plays a . . . ah, who cares?
Brian J. Bergevin, bergevb@bsk.com
FREE WILLY (1993)
FREE WILLY 2: THE ADVENTURE HOME (1995)
FREE WILLY 3: THE RESCUE (1997) Warner Brothers
These movies are the stupidist things ever made.

The first one was alright crummy acting stupid script but of the three it was the best.

The second movie had a dumber plot worse acting and jason james richter had gotten even uglier. This movie was so stupid that they showed affection by smacking each other

The third movie, come on that says it all, how dumb are whales ? I mean getting caught once okay twice maybe but three times in three years now were talking sad. So sad Glen, Anne and Elvis weren't even seen and only mentioned once.

skywalker@silverlink.net
THE FRIGHTENERS (1996) Universal Pictures
This movie features Michael J Fox as a "ghost buster". And guess what? He's a CROOKED ghost buster. He hires his own ghosts to haunt people's houses. But when the mean ghost (from the confusing opening sequence) kills off one of his clients, it gets personal (it doesn't..but if you pretend then it kinda' helps). The movie goes on and on..and you meet other ghosts, such as the over zealous commando ghost that I could just hear Crow cracking jokes about. My friend and I decided this one was MST3k bait when, during the movie (in a crowded theatre, mind you) the mean ghost kills someone in a restroom--then jets off with Michael in pursuit. I was prompted to yell "There goes the plot! Catch it!". The response I got from the other movie goers has prompted my friend and I to actually simulate our own MST3k episode--and wail on this stinker. The movie comes to a head during numerous sequences; including one where Michael commits suicide so he can battle the mean ghost (but he dies by freezing--so the female character can bring him back to life). Then we're lucky enough to see the two special effects (I mean ghosts) battling to the death..until we realize they're both already dead..and then it's just stupid. At one point Michael J Fox actually gets shoved OUT of heaven...there's some insane ghost authority guy involved somewhere too..but it doesn't really matter. The movie sucks..and that's that.
Tomm Hulett, Kupan@aol.com
FROM HELL IT CAME (1957) Allied Artists/Milner Brothers
Pacific Islander is condemned to death, and becomes an evil revenge-seeking tree. This film has nothing to recommend it save the laugh-inducing rubber tree suit some poor soul has to wear ... the IMDb offers the following plot summary: "Tabanga, a killer spirit reincarnated as a scowling tree stump, comes back to life and kills a bunch of natives of a South Seas island. A pair of American scientists save the day."
The Rev. Dr. Sherwood Forrester, ikaros@infinet.com
FUTURE FORCE (1990) Action International/American International Pictures
Imagine a middle-aged David Carradine as the only honest "police officer" in a world where justice has been handed over to free enterprise, and you've got this movie. There's plenty of deep hurting to go around, with such wonderful features as: And much more! Plus, the film's tame enough (at least in its edited-for-TV form) to be on MST3K! Watch out, Paper Chase Guy!
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
FUTURE-KILL (1985)
H.R.Giger was comissioned to do the poster art for this Canadian tax-shelter crapola, and that's about all that's good I can say about it. Except for the fact that a couple of Texas Chainsaw Massacre actors are in it (big frigging deal). Insane story about a bunch of fratboys who, as part of a prank, get mixed up with a bunch of "mutants" (read: punks with some kind of anti-nuke agenda) and get into a ton of trouble. Ridiculous in the extreme: the end has someone being killed in a nuclear reactor -- one of those open-the-door-and-out-comes-the-insanely-bright-light-which-incinerates-your-ass things. There's even a character named "Splatter". The MST3K crew would eat this one whole. I got mine for 99 cents when the local video store had a closet-cleaning. Lucky me. (Hey, it was cheaper than renting.)
Serdar, syegul@ix.netcom.com
FUTURES (TV series)
An extreamly stupid bad series I saw in math class once when we had a substitute. A guy talks like he hardly has any teeth. High schooler age students that learn about ratios. Is about how math is connected to jobs, which in ways most people know already. Is a series of shorts.
Joseph F. Williams, gizmo9@erols.com
Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com