I knew I was in for Deep Hurting when I saw McCoy as a Texas Ranger (on the other hand, it wasn't a surprise to see Kelly Le Brock portraying a madam). It really turned up a notch when I saw him rapidly fire seven shots from his revolver without the benefit of reloading. In fact, no one runs out of ammunition until the climax of the movie.
The film revolves around McCoy struggling to emulate a Western accent by speaking around the butt of a cigar, and Le Brock (and her "employees") strutting around in lingerie that is more than seventy years ahead of its time. In fact, the entire wardrobe seems to have been compiled from the cast's real-life closets. Throw in the inability of the writers to focus on a single plot (Unforgiven, Bad Girls, it's all the same!), and you've got a decent (albeit vulgar) MST party.
Phil Lauderdale, number6@comland.com(2)- The ridiculous "Western" music that permeates this movie, even though the only scenes which don't happen in a city are at a waterfront or in the Louisiana bayou. (This movies' version of the "bayou" looks a lot like someones overgrown back yard.)
(3)- Wilford Brimley, period, but also because he is wearing Rambo gear and firing a bow and arrow.
The big final showdown takes place in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere filled with what I suppose to be old Mardi Gras floats. This movie, like virtually any of Van Damme's, exhibits what I call the "stone kidney" syndrome. This is where people are kicked and punched so much that the only way that they would ever survive is if their internal organs were made of stone, but all they are doing is bleeding a little from the lip. I personally feel that Van Damme deserves some kind of commendation for being in a dud like this. Here is an actor who truly doesn't need respect from his professional community, because he sure won't get any from anyone who's seen this.
Chris Pollock, c-pollock@onu.edu
Rebuttal
Best line: (Jack Palance) "Your death will be slow and painful! Like
your friend's!"
(Or "friends", I'm not sure which.)
It simply has to be added that this film features a mysterious mystical magical super guy named... Crow! That alone should be reason to MiST this film.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
Oh boy. I'm feeling the pain just writing about it. Wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper uses the same Oscar caliber acting talent that he utilizes in professional wrestling to unleash this stinker by some director who I don't know, but who probably died of shame right after filming. Ok, here's the plot (what there is of it). Piper is the last man on Earth or the last fertile man, I can't remember which. Either way, it turns out that women WILL sleep with him if he's the last man on Earth. He and a group of brainless bikini babes run around a post apocalyptic world that looks suspiciously like Nevada and shoot at stuntmen dressed up in rubber frog suits. See the frogs rule Earth now. Kind of like Planet of the Apes for the amphibian set. I don't know how easy this is to find on video, but I've seen it twice on USA Up All Night so you might check there.
Chris Griffy, cgriffy@cafes.netSet in a modern day metropolis, Hercules, the ever immortal and versitial master of guises throughout the ages, takes up construction work with his blonde little buddy who happens to be a real Gymkata kinda fighter.
Set aside from this storyline, in the oriental henchman's palace down the street, is an evil kung-fu master who plots to possess a bowl of enchanted cherries. And so he does in minute-two of this movie. To help him along is his Jet-Lee wanna-be assistant, who is quite masterful at combat, and deadly with discipline with the lowly hoods of the clan. So much so, that he punishes by taking an eye out of each of them for a job not-so-well- done. And they take this form of abuse with little more than a mild irritation. Two for flinching, I guess.
When the Bud Spencer-like Herc and his Terence Hill-like little buddy get mixed-up in plot-B of the movie, what ensues is a pale immitation of every Spencer-Hill comedy ever made. Even pale in comparison to the bad Spencer-Hill comedies. Semi-humorous action with very little opposition by the bad-guys. Sounds familiar, but very little pay-off. Still, lot's of goofy enlitenment, especially if you've never seen a 'Trinity' film.
Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.ca
[Editor's note: This was MSTed in a fan production headed by
Ryan Johnson (rkj@eskimo.com).]
Rebuttal
A 747 carrying stones from an abbey becomes stuck in a headwind holding it motionless in the sky. Shatner's "skydiving" scene at the end is priceless!
Teresa Tutt, tuttt@rpi.eduPrice is the is the horribly burned and disfigured curator of an eleborate wax museum at around the turn of the century, who hides his ugliness under an elborate mask(decades before Liam Neeson in 'Dark-Man') only to discard it later in the dead of night to seek unsuspecting victims, so as to bring about their demise, and dip their lifeless corpses in huge vats of wax and make them his latest works of art.
Along for the ride, in a premier role, is a young Charles Bronson who plays a mentally challenged assistant, acting as goofy as he can until he can grow a cheesey moustache and corresponding hair-cut for a whole slew of 'Death-Wish' movies.
Some good potential for a MSTing, especially the scene where a professional paddle-ball man( one of those super-vocations that is just clamouring with competition ) rather pretensiously fires his paddle-ball at the 3-D camera. Over and over and over and over and over.....
Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.caIn any case, the film suffers from a terrible cast, and special effects that, for the most part, only look good if you watch the movie with your eyes half closed (which you will probably be doing anyway, considering the lack of excitement). This might make it to MST3K, but probably not. It's too gory (at least at the end) and, while incredibly bad, isn't very funny. Watch it if you must, but you won't like it.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.comStories 2 and 3 had nothing to do with the Cthulhu Mythos while Story 1 only had a few references combined with a whole lotta tentacles... The endings were all obviously tacked on at the last minute and 2 and 3 featured mega-cliche endings that could have been pulled straight out of any hoaky campfire story.
Highlights:
Rubbery, fake, flying, sting-ray monsters with big tubes sticking out of their heads sheathing combination knife\straws used to suck bone marrow from humans...It's far more idiotic-looking than it sounds...
A Deep One drops by to Jehovah's Witness for the Great Cthulhu right after one character curses God, he even gives him a free copy of the Necronomicon.
The monks turn out to be aliens and one, using its powers of elasticity, manages to squeeze through the gate leading to Lovecraft.
The dimensional horror Lovecraft unleashes from some gateway turns out to be a flying chunk of slime with teeth.
The psuedo-theological conversation between a pregnant cop and guy who vaguely looks like Woody Allen (in my humble opinion). It's later referred back to when the look-a-like's blind, fat, annoying wife shrieks "There is no God!" as the cop tumbles into a pit of flying, rubbery, sting-rays.
In conclusion, this movie is a disgrace to the Cthulhu Mythos and all things Lovecraftian.
JordanSC@aol.comI saw this at a free screening and seriously considered demanding some money back. Imagine a Master Ninja movie on the big screen. Obviously written as an excuse to let Christopher Lambert near a katana again (the fallout from Highlander is like toxic radiation throughout the film industry), this film is an insult to Japanese culture, treating it as inscrutable and violent. John Lone and Joan Chen (both Chinese, since us ugly Americans can't tell the difference) have nothing much to do. The saving grace of this overpadded bore is a fairly exciting train battle which Lambert doesn't even appear in. They should have let *that* guy star in the movie. Lambert *finally* gets to fight in the climax, after cowering the entire picture, but proves pretty ineffectual even there. Highlander jokes a-plenty.
Mike Pinsky, pinsky@chuma.cas.usf.edu