MSTable movies: A

ABDUCTED (aka ABDUCTION) (1986)
ABDUCTED II: THE REUNION (1994) Arrow

Oh my dear God. One night, my sister and myself were feeling restless and, having nothing better to do, decided to do an impromptu MSTing of whatever lousy flick we came across that night. It being a Saturday night (yup, I was just sittin' around at home on a Saturday night. What a pathetic loser am I), I knew that all I had to do to find a really lame movie to rip on was flip to USA's Up All Night. And, as fate would have it, the movies they were showing were, in order, Abducted II and Abducted. Now, I have seen a lot of bad movies in my life, but I don't think I've seen any that quite compare to these...things. Arriving in time to catch the last half-hour of Abducted II, I can't really explain the "plot", since most of it seemed to be a drawn-out chase around an island, and in a shocking move, the villain throws a dead animal over a cliff. The villain also seems to be holding a woman hostage who, despite several opportunities, never even tries to escape and seems to have befriended the villain. She also wears a top that comes as close to revealing her breasts as USA could possibly allow. But we saw the first Abducted in its entirety, and this flick contains some of the most laughable scenes I have ever been witness to. The plot involves a jogger on an island who gets lost, and then abducted by the same weirdo from the second film. His dad, who looks like the love child of Paul Bunyan and Santa Claus, also shows up. This is the kind of movie where the heroine, having been captured, threatened, and desperately wanting to escape, is given a loaded rifle by the villain while he climbs a tree to get some fruit. Does she shoot him while he's defenseless up in the tree? Does she try to run away? Does she do ANYTHING? Nope. She stands there, holds the rifle, and returns it to him when he climbs down from the tree. That's the kind of movie we're dealing with here. It also has the funniest (non)rape scene ever, where our terrifying villain leaps upon our embattled heroine on a bed, grabs her, and breathes on her for a few seconds before passing out. There are many, many more instances of such ridiculousness, but I've taken up enough space already. Just catch the thing, and try to comprehend how someone could actually release this onto an innocent viewing public. (Or make a sequel!)

Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu

THE ABOMINATION (1986) Donna Michelle Productions

The name says it all. It has a glop of phlegm that turns into a mind-controlling, evil, bloody creature that must be fed several humans a day; a running voice-over conversation between the possessed guy and his shrink (who sounds eerily like Joe Don Baker--we never see him & we didn't watch the credits); lots of sound-trackless pointless driving through Texas hill country; and several scenes of a horse standing out in a field. The deepest hurting? The repeated scene of the main "actor" chasing a victim, killing her, washing the blood from his truck at a carwash in town--all while constantly hearing him repeat "The AbomiNAtion that makes all things DEsolate."

Laura H., leh@mail.utexas.edu

ABSOLUTE POWER (1997) Columbia Pictures/Sony Pictures Entertainment

maybe the worst movie of the year. Screenplay so godawful, you'd think William Goldman let his 8 year old kid write it. I defy anyone to come up with a more boring big budget hollywood film.

Vlady Pildysh, vpildysh@ucla.edu

ALABAMA'S GHOST (1972) IVE

I don't remember much about this one - friends of ours (who will LOVE these pages when they get net access) forced us to watch it (we've retaliated).

Anyway, it has everything - I remember that much - including an elephant and pot-smoking grannies (well, really a guy in drag made up to look like someone's grandmother).

I can't remember the plot. I'm not sure it had one.

Bob Donahue, donahue@skepsis.com

ALIEN INTRUDER (1993)

In a dubious treat for Babylon 5 fans, Tracy Scoggins stars as a sexy alien siren whose mission is, you guessed it, to seduce and kill all human men. Jeff Conaway makes a "special guest appearance" as the first guy she drives insane, who kills all his shipmates, comes to his senses, realizes what a terrible movie he's gotten into, and shoots himself.

Cut to a space prison where Billy Dee Williams is recruiting a team of inmates (why are the criminals always the only ones with technical skills?) to find out what happened on the ship. They voyage to the spinning cardboard wreck and start a grueling schedule of alternately poking at random panels and acting out rather tame virtual-reality fantasies. The alien siren starts appearing in the fantasies, then in real life. A computer virus is discovered to have human DNA, some things blow up, and eventually the last guy left standing finds himself taking the siren back to civilization so she can destroy it.

Entertainingly MSTable, with only a couple R-rated scenes. You'll never listen to a wedding march the same way again.

From the editor

ALL MONSTERS MUST DIE

It's one of the truly bad, bad, bad movies put out by the Japanese Godzilla machine. I remember realizing that I was watching this piece of trash at about 3am on a Saturday night and saying to myself, "Why am I watching this crap?". Truly one of the worst movies of all time.

Dennis Pauley, novabear@erols.com

[Editor's note: I think this might be Destroy All Monsters under another name.]

ALTERED STATES (1980) Warner Brothers

I can't believe TV Guide gave this a three star rating. If you watched this movie, you would NOT agree. I saw it on our WB affiliate, WGN and from what I saw, it is AWFUL!!! The story is about a man known as Eddie Jessup, who volunteers in some crooked experiments. First, he gets turned into a prehistoric caveman, who goes around killing guards who don't bother to carry around guns!!! The next experiment also messes up his mind, and wrecks the experiment room. His wife Emily walks up to a misty whirlpool and sees wierd visions. And finally, at the end, Eddie, still effected by the experiment, turns into some kind of bald watchamacallit and touches his wife Emily who turns into a red version of those ultraviolet beings in a TNG EPISODE!!! This movie should be in for many good riffs.

Russell Christiansen, xiansen@mcs.com

AMBROSIA: FOOD OF THE GODS

In this movie, the nameless hero (Marjoe Gartner!) has wound up on an island where an underground food source has caused certain animals to grow to several times their original size. Marjoe battles a 6-ft tall chicken (bad special effects -- one shot looks like a bad dissolve with Marjoe on a regular set and a regular chicken on a miniature set, another uses a fiberglass chicken head, which has to be seen to be believed). He defeats an army of giant wasps by setting fire to the nest (do you think that got rid of them all?) and drowns a pack of giant rats (miniature set again). All the animal special effects in this movie are extremely cheesy; Mike and the 'bots would have a field day.

Gregory Pietsch, gregory@cji.com

AMERICAN ENTERPRISE

I also recall that William Shatner made a series of bizarre films called "American Enterprise" that supposedly showed the real world of business...or something like that. Mostly, I recall acres of polyester, yard-wide lapels, and, of course, long monologues that only Shatner could deliver. I saw these films every year that I was in school, and the scarring is permanent. Thanks, Bill...I hope your toupee migrates next winter...

Jeff Allwood, jallwood@gte.net

AMERICATHON (1979) Image/Lorimar/Warner Brothers

Starring John Ritter as the President after an apocalyptic energy crisis which plunges the US into poverty. Only a nation-wide telethon can raise the money needed to save America from the Japanese and Arabs. So bad that when I saw it as a lad, my friend and I were the only two in the theater. It really deserves to be on there.

Jamie Kaplan, j.kaplan@mail.utexas.edu

AMIN: THE RISE AND FALL (original title RISE AND FALL OF IDI AMIN) (1980) Intermedia Productions

Yes, this is a movie about the cruel Ugandan dictator, Idi Amin, and his violent reign of terror. If I had kids, I would make them watch this movie if they misbehaved. The lead actor, who was a janitor before making this abomination, is a dead ringer for Amin, but he can't act a lick. I'll bet he went back to being a janitor.

Joe Blevins, joeblev@concentric.net

ANACONDA (1997) Sony Pictures Entertainment

Why did this movie make so much money in the theaters? It has all the makings of a good MST episode...giant plastic snakes, large chested women, waterfalls that run up instead of down, and regurgitated villains. It was a good thing that there were only three of us in the theater. Our comments were the most entertaining aspect of the movie.

knight1022@elknet.net

ANIMAL FARM (1955) deRochemont Films (British)

This movie isn't the worst of all time, but it's no Oscar-winner either. Want to know why? I was appalled by the fact that it changed stuff around from George Orwell's brilliant book, removing characters by the dozens, and only the pigs talk. The drawing of the humans (this is an animated film) was not pleasing to my eye, and on the whole it was a disappointment.

Attmay, ansch002@acpub.duke.edu

THE APPLE (1980) Golan-Globus

Two words: Disco totalitarianism. Two more words: Golan-Globus. 'Nuff said?

Well, probably not. This is how I remember it:

It's the future. Mankind lives in some kind of one-world state thingy. The state approved culture is disco culture. Why, people have to wear little glittery things on their forehead -- it's the law. (More about that later.) The guy who rules the world, Boogalow, an oily, unctuous fop, puts on an international talent competition. Of course, everything is disco save for one, lone warbling little folk-music duo. Boogalow the chick singer in the group is hot. He takes her away from her boyfriend/co-singer and leads her into a life of perdition. Her boyfriend tries to get her back yet is thwarted at every try until he finds this band of hippies under a bridge. Together, they basically overthrow Boogalow by just meeting the guy, and spread their love power throughout the world or something. I don't quite remember. Oh, and it's hinted Boogalow is actually Satan, making those glittery things the mark of the beast, I guess. In sum: imagine an unholy cross between Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Escape 2000 and you're almost there.

Mike Daddino, mragar@ibm.net

ASSAULT ON THE WAYNE (1970) (TV)

Leonard Nimoy tried to put his Star Trek career behind him, even going so far as to write a book titled "I am not Spock". This movie explains why he changed his mind. See an overwrought Nimoy rolling around on a cot, suffering from emotional tension, moaning "aspirin, aspirin!". I'm *not* making this up!

Bob Church, church@art.ohiou.edu

(Taken from rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc)

ASTEROID (1997) (TV) Davis Entertainment Company

After wasting nearly four hours(thank goodness I taped it) suffering through "Asteroid" on NBC. This movie and its makers should be crucified. Ugh!!!!!!! I've since started to tape over it with Howard Stern on the Today show.

Tod Sanderson, tod.sandeson@quickmail.yale.edu

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! (1980) Four Square Productions

Any movie with music containing the lines, "I know I'm going to miss her, a tomatoe ate my sister." and "We tried to negotiate at the first attack; we gave them Alabama but they gave it right back." *belongs* here.

Joe Zeff, joez@earthlink.net

THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS

Dinosaurs never became extinct. Instead, they went underground, where, for millions of years, they evolved. Now they have iron-hard skin, can breathe fire, and can speak English (though they seem to have learned it from Daleks). They're also telekinetic, they can control animals, and they don't like humans very much. Obviously, the only option open to them is to attack Tokyo. This strange and disturbingly horrible film is a bit of a mystery. It appears to be four episodes of a terrible, terrible Japanese TV show. It combines bad anime with bad claymation with bad rubber dinosaur suits and bad cardboard buildings.. The end result is so painful to watch that even a veteran bad-movie viewer may suffer from minor seizures. If the dinosaurs weren't bad enough, Earth's only defense is the Gemini Team, a group of animated people with strange Speed Racer- like physical deformities... And their names... <shudder> Their names.. This is becoming difficult to write... <pause> Okay, okay, I think I'm alright. Two of the Gemini team members, Jim and Jem Starbuck, are able to merge together into one being, a being which flies a giant plane with buzzsaws on the wings and a drill on the front, ideal for killing giant intelligent dinosaurs... And so we get to watch lots of dinosaurs die, and yet there's no ending, and there is obviously more to the series than what is used in this movie, and that scares me, and I'm rambling, and this is just hurting too much, and... and... <the reviewer's head explodes>

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com

AVALANCHE (1978) New World Pictures

Starring Rock Hudson and Mia Farrow. A plane crashes into a clay mountain. Tons of styrofoam snow crush a cardboard resort, Tamarron. The only funny thing about this movie was seeing the inept Durango fire dept. crash its trucks in town. The 'Bots would have a field day with this one.

shall68129@aol.com

AVALANCHE (1996) (TV) Atlantis Films Limited

David (Baywatch) Hasselhoff and Michael Gross in a really bad, non-thriller. No consistency what so-ever, they never run out of flashlight batteries, and even after the power is gone the fridge still works. Plot holes the size of Rhode Island.

Joe Sunday, void@null.net