MSTable movies: P

PARASITE (1982) Embassy Pictures

This truly repulsive film has very little to recommend it; in the theaters it featured 3-D effects, most of which involved blood and alien chestburster-like creatures. On home video it features the same effects, minus the 3-D, with the added bonuses of a really weird aspect ratio and some particularly bad panning and scanning. The plot and acting about match the film quality; the story, such as it is, involves a post WWIII world in which a doctor has created a new strain of parasite for the government... Unfortunately, something went wrong, causing him to get infected and a nasty creature to get loose. The cast manage to make this film even less involving than it sounds, with cardboard acting all around (including Demi Moore, whose career will probably never go lower than this film). The other now-big name associated with this film is Stan Winston (you know, the Jurassic Park special effects guy) who apparently had something to do with the design of the creature, which is basically a stubby worm with fangs. In any case, there's nothing likely to please anyone in this film, so steer clear.

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com

PENITENTIARY III (1987)

An innocent (Sugar Ray Leonard wanabe) boxer goes to prison where the Evil Warden uses a crazed black midget wrestler chained in the basement to enforce his rule. The Midget is called the "Midnight Thud" because he bites off the privates of the offending prisoners and they "thud" to the floor - or something like that. I don't know how it ends - I could not endure that long but I believe that the boxer befriends Thud and they become a team - at least it was moving in that direction. Amazingly there is a "P I" and a "P II."

Ted Munger, tmunger@flash.net

THE PEOPLE THAT TIME FORGOT (1977) American International Pictures

This was the follow-up to The Land that Time Forgot, not surprsingly. Some well-meaning folks on an airplane (including a lady journalist) try to find the lost island, and crash into a pterodactyl. They crashland on the island, where the lady takes a picture of a stegosaurus. Eventually they rescue some cavewoman (her little fur top laces up in front?!) from a carnivorous dinosaur, and after trying to figure out what's going on, they flee various nasty tribes, nasty creatures, and a bunch of evil Samurai-looking guys (in full armor, complete with masks that when removed reveal nasty pasty faces underneath) called the Nagas, who somehow speak fluent English. This is apparently because they learned English from the hero of the first film, who is still alive, but very old and half-crazed, and dies anyway. The island is shaken yet again by a volcanic eruption, and the heroes and the cave biscuit are somehow rescued by a passing ship. I think. All I really remember was a scene where someone talks about the threat of some creature (you even see the thing, whatever it is), but said creature never attacks them. And a couple scenes in caves, where they fend off a mess of snakey things that live in cave walls and stick their heads out of holes in the walls to attack people. And there was also a giant ankylosaur-looking thing that attacks them as they try to get out of the caves while the island is blowing up... and the thing is impaled by a falling stalactite.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com

PHOENIX 5 (1970)

Ok, this is a TV series, not a movie, but so was Clash of the Moons, Fugitive Alien, Time of the Apes, Mighty Jack, etc. Often thought of as Australia's answer to Star Trek, it was more of an indigestible mix of Trek type uniforms with Fireball XL5 characterisations, campy Batman type villians, a sub Lost in Space robot (who actually looks like a giant vesion of Tom Servo) and Dr Who quarries. The special effects are worthy of Terry Gilliams Python animations, only here they were meant seriously. I'm sure the syndication package is lying on the shelf somewhere in America.

library@deakin.edu.au

PIECES

Oh yeah, now here's a film. I have no idea where it came from (it certainly wasn't America), and almost nobody has ever heard of it. That's a shame, because it's a real classic in the Psycho domineering mom school. Some fat guy goes into movie theaters and cuts the eyeballs out of people that have fallen asleep. I'm not sure why, but it apparently has something to do with his mother, played by the dwarfish Zelda Rubinstein, known to most people as "the Poltergeist midget." That's pretty much the whole story. It's tough to get much more out of it than that, because I'm not sure that the director had much interest in it either. Most of the scenes are so dark that you can't see what's going on anyway, and it seems like an eternity between actual spoken lines. If you ever find this one, you're in for a real treat.

Brian J. Bergevin, bergevb@bsk.com

PLAYING FOR KEEPS (1986)

The PG-13 flick has an all white (except for one token black kid) bunch of middle aged New York City teenagers with the terminally annoying Jimmy Baio (Scott's equally loathsome cousin) as their leader who set up to renovate a rundown hotel in a small northeastern Pennsylvania town for teens only. Fortunately an ecentric millionaire inhabiting the place helps them out. The locals oppose their plans, so the "teens" go and change the prices at the local supermarket (!).

I witnessed this wreck of a movie on cable TV late one night and couldn't take my eyes off of it, it was so hideous. Marissa Tomei is in this film. It's billed as her debut, but isn't. Filled with bad music, dialogue, and an excruciating dance number. Oh the pain!

Christopher Cuomo, danc@nb.net

POISON IVY 3: THE NEW SEDUCTION (1997) New Line Home Video

My brother sent me a copy of this, and I have spent much of my time since wondering why he wants me dead. Plot: Ivy's sister (from the first movie who is dead, lucky dog) insinuates herself into the household where her mom used to be a maid when she ws a child. Mom was dismissed for having gratuitous sex with a poolboy (or someone) when she was only supposed to be having gratuitous sex with her employer (or the poolboy was). Anyway, she's back for revenge and she has sex with the ex-employer and the daughter's boyfriend while working as an S&M prostitute and she kills the boyfriend and frames the father and tries to kill the daughter and herself and falls down the stairs. And dies. But not until she has undressed about 754 times. I spent half of the movie laughing hysterically in disbelief and the other half cursing for only having disposable razors in the house because its so hard to reach a major artery with one of them.

Ann Losch, losch@ee.net

THE POSSESSED (1979) NBC

I don't know if this made-for-tv stinkbomb was ever unleashed on video, but if you ever see it scheduled for late, late on UPN, tape it! It stars James Farrantino as an alcoholic ex-priest, and a bunch of other talent-free individuals. (Apparently, this was a series pilot: Farrantino's character travels around solving supernatural mysteries.) The Possessed revolves around demonic possession (natch) and various supernatural mishaps at a girls' school. Rotten acting, rotten special effects; a school teacher is possessed and suddenly gets a much better haircut(!), then spits a mouthful of carpet tacks at Mr. Farrantino. Anyway, the best (?) part about this "flaming sack of dog poopie" is that it features Harrison Ford in the minor role of a teacher who spontaneously combusts. Oh, the pain!

mlb@cais.com

THE POSTMAN (1997) Warner Brothers

Readers of David Brin's book will recall the enigmatic machine Cyclops, the odd feminism and ultimate sacrifice of Dena and her scouts, the story of "Cincinnatus" (who real name I forget just now), and more. And while the book was not great literature, you might think it could be made into a pretty good movie.

Unfortunately, this is not that movie. This isn't even *close* to being that movie. For a start, nothing from the previous paragraph even appears in it. Only two scenes-- the one where the Postman finds the uniform, and when he sleeps with a woman who wants a child but whose husband is sterile-- are recognizable from the book, and don't happen until over half an hour into the film. The Holnists have become a bunch of nice guys who just happen to have an evil overlord, and any intelligence or cunning the Postman had in the book has been foisted off on his sidekick. In fact, the Postman spends as much time as possible hiding out from the plot, "protecting" the aforementioned woman, who in return shoots his mule, tries to drown herself in a creek, and sets fire to the cabin they've been using. Eventually the plot catches up with them and the Postman kills the evil overlord, after which everyone decides to just get along.

Three hours of dull boredom starring not only Kevin Costner, but his way-too-cute son and daughter.

From the editor

PSYCHOMANIA (aka THE DEATH WHEELERS and THE LIVING DEAD and THE FROG) (1971) Benmar

This movie has all the major characteristics of at least 90% of the movies which have already been featured on MST3K. In other words, it is a lot more likely to be on the show than many of the suggested movies (Star Trek V? Keep on dreaming...)

Psychomania features a young British motorcycle gang called "The Living Dead" (dig the matching jackets with the gang name in big white letters on the back). The main character "Tom" is not only the leader of the bikers but a rich kid (the opportunities for posure jokes are endless...)

Many scenes take place inside his mother's mansion with Tom, his mother and their butler (who is really satan or something). The house is decked out in true "style" and is the site of much TERRIBLE acting and set design. The effects in this movie are only termed "special" because they ride the short bus to school.

Other scenes take place in a Celtic circle of stones which seems to be where the gang hangs out. Before killing themselves in order to come back as undead became the "in" thing to do ("you haf'ta BELIEVE--REALLY BELIEVE you'll come back"); The main activities of the Living Dead consisted of riding around on the paths in and around this circle and attacking innocent motorists. Did I mention that footage is re-used wherever possible?

Psychomania has got to be the least violent horror flick ever made. Violence is NEVER shown--only (poorly) hinted at. The movie is paced in such a way that it invites commentary (plenty of stilted dialogue).

To top all this off it contains an entire "folk" song in which the line "the holy sound of revving filled the air" is sung with a straight face.

If any of the Best Brains are reading: SEE THIS MOVIE. You will not be dissapointed. It provides vast opportunities for mockery and who knows, it may even be attainable for the show.

The film can be found in the Internet Movie Database. Ignore the ratings, but check out the poor plot synopsis by some guy with terrible English.

phorce phed, phorceph@viper.nauticom.net

PSYCHOS IN LOVE (1987)

this putrescent gem was a favorite of my sisters and mine when i was in junior high. at that time, one of my sisters worked at a video store, giving us access to all sorts of movies that no one should ever watch. this particular movie involves two mass murderers, both who completely detest grapes (out of all things...what the hell??) anyway, they happen to meet in a bar one night, and go off about how terrible grapes and all grape based products are. consequently, they fall in love, go home with one another, and begin killing as a team, together discovering new and exciting ways to dispose of the bodies. basically this movie just really really sucks. i have no idea who starred in or who directed this bit of cinematic filth, and i can't remember how it ends. perhaps my brain has mercilessly blocked some of the movie out for me, sparing me some of the suffering that remembering may cause. a definite mst3k possibility.

Coby Somsen, csomsen@nwciowa.edu