MSTable movies: K

THE KID FROM CLEVELAND (1949)

It's about a kid that gets to meet the 1948 Cleveland Indians (their last World Series championship) and is just plain bad. The poor players are so wooden... but the real actors are even worse! Includes baseball Hall of Famers Bob Feller, Lou Boudreau, Bill Veeck and Tris Speaker...

Shawn Moore, mooresd@pwfl.com

KILLBOTS (aka CHOPPING MALL) (1986)

How this miserable piece of sludge has escaped the MST3K treatment is beyond me. This one has also been secretly renamed Chopping Mall, in a bizarre plot to make you watch it twice (because trust me, you ain't gonna watch this one any more times than you have to!). What I remember of the plot is that it involved a group of "wild and crazy" teenagers who sneak into the mall at night(Sherman Oaks Galleria - this is one time I wish Moon Unit Zappa could have been in her favorite haunt) and do lots of zany teenage things. Unfortunately, they had no idea that the Killbots were on duty...Yes the Killbots! Latest in high-tech robot mall security!!!! These babies seemed more suited for Fort Knox than the Food Court. These babies came armed with laser beams that make the Star Wars weapons seem like flashlights. After a number of really nasty and murderous interludes in which the vast majority of sex crazed kids get turned into crispy critters, the virginal heroine and her injured boyfriend manage to finally overcome the robots! I just had one thought on my mind as my brain cells struggled to regain their composure - what kind of a markup are these stores getting that they can afford such state of the art security!

David Moxness, DavidM@diamondmm.com

THE KILLER CONDOM (original title KONDOM DES GRAUENS) (1996) Ascot Elite Entertainment Group

Um. Well. What -does- one say to a German film with subtitles about killer condoms infesting New York City and chewing people's John Thomas's off? Shall we add the Sicilian (?!?) hero, a gay detective named Luigi Mackaroni? The transvestites? The villian, a fine piece of hysterical acting broken up only by gallons of slime? The mad professor and his fetish for red jelly? The fine special effects (the 'extra-large' animate condom, designed for Detective Mackaroni's extra-large Willy, ends up killing the Evil Henchman by sucking his face off. He looks like he's using a barf bag. Wonder why.)

In short, this is DEEP, DEEEEEEEEP hurting. Take a sensitive male friend and watch them wince.

Duke Egbert, diedi@rocketmail.com

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988) Chiodo Bros.

The title is bad, and it gets worse from there. It's about, well, killer clowns from outer space, and some pointless children. The clowns set up a base that looks like a fun house inside. Their main weapon is a cotton candy gun, I kid you not. They kill people and coccoon them in cotton candy to ... do something with them, I guess. The clowns are sort of supposed to eat the people, and I think they eat an arm or something. They aren't the most threatening villains. At one point a Klown lures a little girl outside of the McDonald-esque restaurant her parents are in, and once he's got her defensless in the playground, all of two feet away from him, he stands there smiling evilly until she gets cold and goes back inside. There are also teenage heroes, and, if I remember right, a surly cop who won't believe them. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wet your pants. It's a movie that's MSTed without anyone having to say anything. Also, it should be easy to find. Highest possible recommendation.

Sarah Caldwell, leh@mail.utexas.edu

Yes it's as bad as it's name is unbelievable. Huge evil clowns in bad makeup and worse wardrobe land on Earth in a sleepy little town and begin their evil plot to take over the Earth. Fortunately, most of the actors seem somewhat aware of the quality of the film and there are moments when the audience can actually capture a hint of amusement on their faces, but for the most part I'm afraid they were overpaid. The premise is horrible and exceeded only by the production, a must see for cult film fans, but be warned you will never see clowns the same way. Hell for that matter you may never see film the same way. Oh who am i kidding, be careful this film could have lasting, impairing effects, not for the fainthearted or the critically inflexible.

Audra Hendrix, critter8@flash.net

KILLERS FROM SPACE (1954) W. Lee Wilder Productions/RKO Radio Pictures

It's been a while since I've seen it, but here's what I think happened: A pilot crashes (what? a plane crash in a B-Movie?!). He's saved (unfortunately), but he has a strange scar (No! Really?). When he drives, he keeps seeing a giant pair of eyes in front of his face (out of windsheild fluid, too). Some how he ends up in a cave with some aliens that look like Marty Feldman. They're trying to destroy the Earth with giant spiders and lizards ("Feel the wrath of my big-screen TV!"). Our... hero somehow escapes and ends up blowing the aliens up with a big bomb (Ooo, big suprise there!). In other words, I think Feldman was better in Young Frankenstein.

Vermin Boy (no address)

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)

An attack of gigantic, obviously puppeted,spider invasion would be fantastic to see MST'd. Starring that unbelievably hysterical actor Bill Shatner, it had my friends and I cheering when he was attacked.. The end sequence was impressive, but seeing as how MST works, I'd Love to see this done..

Unknown, nobody@planetx.bloomu.edu

KISS DADDY GOODBYE

Saw this on Elvira's Films of the Night or whatever [...] In any case, awful...About two kids (brother and sister) who have psychokinetic powers, and their father, who wants to keep their powers hidden, and their adventures on the road. The kids have no problem with using their powers to get back the frisbee that went across the road, but watch listlessly as their father is killed by bikers. After this, they magically animate their dads body to get his revenge. Stars Fabian as a Deputy.

Carl Stone, cstone@mcs.kent.edu

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978) Hanna-Barbera Productions

I was very surprised no one had suggested this one. This movie is living proof that not all musicians can act. The story revolves around KISS performing at an amusement park, an evil genius cloning them, a desperate girl trying to figure out why her fiance has been acting so weird, (He's been cloned, goshdarnit!) and a lot of cheesy 70's special effects. In the end, KISS saves the day through a show of incredibly horrible acting and even worse fight scenes. (Picture Ace Frehley ripping the heads off of animotronic apes.)

ladycplum@aol.com

K-9000 (1991) (TV) Fries Entertainment

A cop who hates machines gets involved in a conspiracy to steal a telepathic dog and use it to do...something bad. In the quest for the dog, lots of people get shot, some running gags get driven into the ground, and very little plot develops. Although the film can be cute (in a painful, groan-inducing kind of way), its few attempts at humor don't protect it from deserving a saving MiSTing...

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com

KRULL (1983) Columbia Pictures

This film's a jumble of science fiction and fantasy, which opens with a sort of giant flying castle landing on the surface of some earthlike planet. The Beast (who sort of resembles a Gillman draped in guts, possessed by demons and filmed through a fisheye lens) has come to the planet Krull to conquer it, or something. Colwyn, the prince of one kingdom, plans to marry Lyssa, the princess of another kingdom, when the wedding is interrupted by the weird-ass minions of the Beast, who charge around on horses and have weapons that combine elements of laser guns and spears. The princess is carried off to the fortress of the Beast, so her husband-to-be must go and rescue her in order to fulfill some prophecy, which involves destroying the Beast with a weapon called the Glaive, a sort of giant switchblade throwing star/boomerang. Colwyn is aided in his quest by a couple old guys, a band of escaped prisoners, a cyclops, a little kid, and a goofy magician (named Ergo the Magnificent, no less) who changes into various comical animals at inopportune moments.

Ultimately, the concept is interesting and familiar, if just plain goofy and cheesy. The movie has its moments (such as one character traversing a giant spider's web to get some pertinent information that was kind of obvious), but, well, it's Krull. Among the cast of relative unknowns can be found Freddie Jones (Thufir Hawat from Dune), Liam Neeson(! Darkman, et al.) as one of the roving thieves, and Francesca Annis (Lady Jessica from Dune, and romantically linked to Ralph Fiennes, so I hear) as this old lady who lives in the giant spider's web.

Enjoy. Or not.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com