MSTable movies: O

OFFERINGS (1989) Arista Films/Southgate Entertainment

A mental patient escapes from the asylum and goes after the gang that tormented him as a child. Shot by a crew of OU undergrads who may have gone on to do something better, but would never include this one on their resume.

biedm@aol.com

THE OMEGA MAN (1971) Warner Bros.

I can't believe someone hasn't riffed on this baby already. This movie was -so bad- I had to turn it off after about a half hour, but in that half hour I got:

• Charlton Heston proving he has all the acting range of tapioca (hello, I'm Chuck, I have three expressions and two of them look the same)
• Luddite religious fanatic vampires in the worst pale makeup known to man talking about "the cleansing". Except for the socially inept African-American vampire (in WHITEFACE) who still says "honky".
• A massive plague that turns everyone into vampires. Or kills them, so the vampires can come out. Or something. And Chuck, several months later, still finding fresh dead bodies in the street when he's supposedly the last human alive (witness the title. Ooh.)
• And finally, the worst thing of all: about twenty minutes into the movie Chuckie baby is making supper in his little isolated encampment surrounded by rioting vampires...and he pulls out sausage.

Chuck? What's in the sausage?

Dagonet, dagonet@oaktree.net

ON DEADLY GROUND (1984) Warner Brothers

Steven Segal's directing debut, and BOY does it show. While the movie has a clear plot, it's a really stupid one - Ex-commando Segal works for petroleum company as security advisor, but Evil Oil Magnate Michael Caine decides Segal has to go and has him killed. He thinks. Ex-commando Segal proceeds to open up a can of whoop-ass. Bad acting, bad direction, and it doesn't even have Segal's usual panache with fight coreography. But boy, there's certainly a lot to mock.

Dennis Nedblake, dennis@kasey.umkc.edu