poorly written, poorly directed, poorly lit hunk of monster
crap. A bunch of morons in a museum are killed by a giant ant eater.
Based on a best seller (??), this movie has nothing to recommend it.
Vlady Pildysh, firstname.lastname@example.org
Clive Barker once said that he would sit through a bad movie if
there was the promise of a good monster in it (he named Howard the Duck
as an example). The Relic is one of these movies. The Kothoga is
probably the best thing (Penelope Ann Miller in a tiny black dress comes
in second) about the movie, really, even if it is hands down one of the
noisiest movie monsters ever. I mean, when the thing runs, it sounds
like a horse galloping (in spite of having huge clawed paws for feet).
Somehow it's able to sneak up on unsuspecting victims despite its really
wheezy, raspy breathing (which inspires a laughably lame false alarm in
a ladies room, early on in the movie. Well, I have asthma too; it just
hasn't been flaring up like it used to).
The overall design of the Kothoga left something to be desired. It
looked as if the Stan Winston people were running out of ideas... so
they just took one of their Ghost and the Darkness lions, slapped a
Predator face onto the front, gave it a dinosaur's tail, and voila,
monster in the museum...
In spite of the neat monster, and not very bad acting, odd
technobabble and such, the film is rather confusing and lame... I kept
thinking there were at least two Kothoga creatures running around, the
way the one kept being in so many different places at the same time, it
seemed. The whole sequence with the SWAT team guys getting wiped out
(actually kinda neat, if stupid and pointless) has to be seen to be
believed. Also features a real gross-out face-off between Miss Miller
and the Kothoga which hammers home the notion of why these movies keep
getting made: so guys can see a woman victimized by a huge male monster
(no, *that* doesn't happen). This scene also suggests that poor Penelope
Ann Miller (still in that tiny black dress) can act, after all. Well, I
think she can...
The Kothoga gets a lot of screen credit as the the movie ends.
Someone (Gary Hecker; his name appears in the end credits of ID4 for
"Alien Vocalizations") provided "Kothoga Vocalizations", there were at
least eight "Kothoga Puppeteers", and "Kothoga" itself is listed as
performed by two actors (I recognized the name of Vincent Hammond...
he's a big guy who played the main monster in the Hulk Hogan flick
Suburban Commando)... I wonder if they fit the two guys into
one Kothoga suit like a pantomime horse...
Duncan Shea, email@example.com
I didn't see all of this movie, but what I saw qualified as
a MiSTing. It's about this giant reptile like thing that attacks cities
(how original). It mainly just spews some green stuff on people that the
scientists can only refer to as "slime".One of the worst scenes in this
film is when Reptillicus eats a farmer that strangly looks like a cartoon
in an 80's video.Some of the other things to look forward for in this
film are people jogging from the monster as it attacks the city and this
giant lizard attacking the small toy cars.
Damen Perry, firstname.lastname@example.org
RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! (1988)
It is even funnier than the first...slightly higher
budget, but just as bad. The music is pretty hilarious (80's-shudder) and
the plot is just rediculous. Some mad scientist trying to make people out
of tomatoes (which are forbidden)...a really young and cute George Clooney
who falls in love with a tomato-girl...and FT, the cutest tomato you'll ever
see. My brother, my friend and I ripped both "Attack" and "Return" to
shreds on many occasions. I can just imagine how funny the crew of MST
would make it.
Madeleine Scotto, email@example.com
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III (1993)
[A]nother classic for the
vaults...oh, I mean FROM the vaults. I believe it was made in 1990.
Starring people who were never again offered another movie deal, this
flick has such humerous bits as a reincarnated bisected dog, a naked,
orange haired nymphomaniac zombie, and other assorted goodies. Truly
one to watch...but only if you have a strong stomach!!
THE RETURN OF THE KING (1979) (TV) Rankin-Bass Productions?
This movie only covers parts of the last book of a long, involved
trilogy, and heavily paraphrases even that. To remove any danger of suspense,
the story is told by the major characters as they relax, safe and sound,
at Rivendell afterward. Most of the real action is described in voiceovers,
leaving the animators to mainly show characters sitting around and agonizing
about this and that. The one good (or at least mildly amusing) moment in
the film is the rousing orc marching song, "Where There's a Whip, There's a
From the editor
RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987) New World Pictures/Balcor Film
A typical low-budget, direct-to-video,
none-too-scary horror flick with a couple of unusual twists. One is a
pre-ER George Clooney in a small role. Another is the incomparable
Maureen McCormick-- that's right, Marcia Brady-- playing a cop of some
sort. The plot is a bit difficult to grasp-- apparently a movie company is
filiming a movie about a number of murders in a high school, only the
arrival of the film crew sets of another (?) murderer, who starts killing
the actors and crew. I think. Frankly, I think the plot is just an excuse for
the camera crew filming the real movie to not worry about walking into
the frame. The highlight of the film has to be Maureen McCormick
erotically (and inexplicably) rubbing her bloody hands all over her body.
It's sensuous, but at the same time, a bit, well, stupid.
Oh, and for what it's worth, no, there was no movie known as "Horror
High," so I'm not really sure what they're returning from.
Brian J. Bergevin, firstname.lastname@example.org
REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS (aka HOTS 3) (1976)
This definitely MST-able movie stars David Hasselhoff, or so it says on
the cover. This movie is out on video, and it is definitely ridiculous.
The movie is about six cheerleaders at Aloha High School somewhere in
California, who'd do anything to make sure their high school doesn't
merge with a rival high school across town. But that's supposed to be
the plot. Layered on top of it is gratuitous nudity (excised for
MST3K), inept school administrators, a male police officer who pats down
a naked cheerleader (?), bizarre sex scenes (e.g. one of the
cheerleaders and a naked Hasselhoff in the back seat of a car in the
high school's auto shop? Evidently, they don't use protection -- one of
the cheerleaders is very heavily pregnant!), dance sequences that would
look weird even for 1975 that do nothing but fill time up, and a
sequence where the entire school gets high on drugs stolen from the
rival high school -- even a (valium-addicted?) teacher who, minutes
before, tells her class that "learning stenography can mean the
difference between a mediocre job and a bad job" or something to that
effect. This movie is recommended for anyone who wants to see a young
Hasselhoff in an afro.
Gregory Pietsch, email@example.com
REVENGE OF THE FIST OF FURT (FURY?) (1977?)
A movie that incorporates new all-time lows into the standards of kung-fu
film-making. Not only does this film have no predecessing vehicle to base
it on, (no way could this be a worthiable sequel to Bruce Lee's Fists of
Fury, minus the 't' in 'Fury') but on it's own it's convoluted,
confusing, horribly editted, and badly dialogued. And every-body is
kung-fu fighting like flailing road-kill.
The plot involves two aging martial-arts masters who resume a life-long
feud of back-and-forth vindication (standard stuff that just gets worse).
Our hero in this tale is Pang - a budding young student of the nicer
feuding-master, who shows a great talent for the fighting art. Concerned
with his masters now-feeble combat abilities, he steps-in to take-up his
master's plight and in the fight loses his eye.Common rookie mistake.
The rest of the picture pans-out very slowly,as the young warrior regains
his abilities, learns to live with a handicap, falls in love with a girl
who lives with her grand-father and a midget, then subsequently saves her
from rape from two Japanese Samuri's who do nothing but corner her and
try to kiss her, and finally - returns to his school to resume the fight,
armed only with a boat-paddle, arriving just after 50 of his brother's
have been killed by the more evil-master. It all ends with a fatal,
elaborate knife throw to his infamous foe that makes you wonder,'How
did those gaffers make that knife fly so straight?'
Even on it's own without MSTing, it's a super-hoot, and a real scream to
Frank Lund, firstname.lastname@example.org
REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES (aka FLESHEATER and ZOMBIE NOSH)
It's hard for me to do this. It's so bad that you can't help but love this
rip-off of NOTLD. The plot: a group of teenagers go out into deserted
woodland on some old farm, someone releases a zombie (the same guy who
played the original zombie in NOTLD) from a coffin, it's only a matter of
time before everyone is running (slowly) for their lives. Now what makes
this movie so bad you ask? Is it the bad special, or in this case not so
special, effects? Is it the bad acting which at one point looks like it
belongs in a porno? Or is it the shower scene that has nothing to do with
the rest of the movie? You watch and be the judge. I must mention
something good about the movie, other than all the laughs, in this lovable
flick not one person is spared. Don't hope that your favorite character
will be the one to live through the horror, unless you're cheering on the
zombies, you will feel very disappointed. *Although you're favorite
character is bound to come back.
Jose A. Villar, email@example.com
REVENGE OF THE SHOGUN WOMEN
A late-night channel surf in college came across this one. Poorly dubbed
even for a bad Japanese movie, it features a gang of evil Shogun-ish men
whose leader's secret weopon is his pony-tail. They are up against a group
of Ninja women, who have shaved heads and surpises of their own. It is
quite likely the worst movie I've ever seen, including Manos and
Santa vs. the Martians. Extremely good for MST3K.
Tom Reece, firstname.lastname@example.org
Okay, there's this guy driving along on the road, rambling on about
nothing in voiceover. He runs some other guy down. Then, for no reason
whatsoever, the first guy decides to not only take the other guy's
wallet, but to assume his identity (?). So he goes into a hotel and gets
a girl to think he's this other guy, and she has sex with him. Then this
third guy shows up and, believing the first guy to be the second guy, he
beats the first guy up, and there's Monty Pythonesque geysers of blood
flying around. Suddenly it's over. Now, I liked Blood Hook,
one, which was written and directed by the guy who wrote Blood
serves as proof that any quality Blood Hook had was the
result of Jim
Mallon. With a cameo appearance by my screenwriting teacher, who keeps
her back to the camera the whole time (gee, I wonder why?). Memorable
quote from my screenwriting teacher while showing our class the film:
"Guys, this isn't supposed to be funny!"
Brian Reubelt, email@example.com
ROBOT CARNIVAL (original title ROBOTO KANIBAURU) (1987)
A.P.P. Co., Ltd.
Robot Carnival was the WORST anime I've ever seen, and I'm
a massive anime fan! It was just a bunch of incredibly boring short films
about robots!(Except for A Tale of Two Robots...that was
pretty funny!) It's the biggest honk-shoo since Killer Shrews!
The West Virginian, firstname.lastname@example.org
ROBOT JOX (1991) Empire Pictures/Altar Productions
THIS is a movie that is *VERY* MSTable. Basically it takes Rock 'em
Sock 'em robots to a bigger, more pathetic level. The Internet Movie
Database describes it as "The ultimate killing machine. Part Man. Part
Metal." but that's not the movie I recall. The movie I saw a while ago
on Cinemax is about the USA and the Soviet Union fighting over landmass
in a pseudo boxing/wrestling match for Robots. A movie that makes you
wonder if people still care any more.
Kevin Sigmund, email@example.com
[Editor's note: I'd just like say that Joe Haldeman, the long-time sf author
who wrote the script for this movie, usually produces quality writing. When
he was the guest of honor at Bayfilk V, he was telling everyone how excited
he was to be involved in the making of a movie. Poor guy.]
ROBOT WARS (1993) Full Moon Entertainment/Paramount
If you have the bad luck to see this lousy crud, I hope you have a strong
stomach or a MSTing ability that enables you to withstand this brand of film.
This film features YET ANOTHER post-apocalyptic desert landscape, which
makes me wonder if there are any post-apocalyptic films that are set in a
frozen world or something. But before I get horribly off topic, it is in
America after the much-prophesied nuclear war, and one of the prime business
attractions is (I swear to God I ain't making this up) riding on the back of
a giant war robot that was the only one left after the war. The opening
scene features this, and also introduces the lead actor and his unmercifully
annoying sidekick, and we also learn that for some idiotic reason the war
robot is still used to fight, in fact, while it is actually carrying
passengers! In the opening scene, even! Our heroes also appear to be
fighting the same guys from Godzilla vs. Monster X. Anyway, we later
discover the brainy lady reporter, soon to become the heroine (duh), that our
hero is a drunkard (which makes him even more lovable, besides being the
ultimate jerk), and that his Obligatory Sidekick can quote John Wayne
Eventually, the (almost nonexistent)plot reveals that evil Japanese (gosh, I
thought all the stereotypically evil Japanese people were killed off in the
war movies in 1945!) want to steal the war robot (which looks like a giant
scorpion, which raises this movie to new heights of unoriginality)right out
from the Obligatory Crusty Commander's nose. However, the just plain truly
annoying sidekick remembers that his miner dad had once found odd-looking
machinery out near a replica American suburb and combines this with strange
photos taken by the reporter, and the Unholy Annoying Trio manages to find
the other last war robot, which was buried underneath the replica town (So
that's where I left it! I coulda sworn I left it on the countertop next to the
TV!). Anyway, this movie must be seen to be believed, and MSTied to be
accepted. Please rip it without mercy.
[Editor's note: This is the sequel to Robot Jox but did not
involve Joe Haldeman.]
ROCKET MAN (1997) Buena Vista
This is just horrifying. They bring in news and just run it into the
ground. I laughed in the part when the guy was in the isolation tube,
but no more. The movie was like any basic Adam Sandler plot..... Guy has
dream, runs into girl, has crush on girl, something happens, girl begins
to like guy, the thing guy has problem with is resolved for some reason,
dream gets resolved, the end. How can a guy so smart be so dumb?
Cedric Henry, firstname.lastname@example.org
ROLLERBALL (1975) United Artists
Set in the distant future, a roller ball is the most popular game,
and the most violent. Yet the title is decieving. The actual roller
ball matches only take up about probably 15 minutes of the entire
movie; the rest of the movie is comprised of totally
uncomprehensible dialogue and absolutely abstract scenes. The MST3K
gang would probably be begging that this movie would end after the
first 10 minutes; or they would probably wonder why they don't have a
remote control in the movie room.
John Leon, email@example.com
ROLLER BLADE (1985)
The box says "Bodacious Babes fight to save an embattled world." True
that indeed. It is the story of rollerskate wearing post-apocalyptic
lesbian battle nuns who worship smiley faces and are led by the
wheel-chair bound, and yet still wearing rollerskates, Mother Speed.
The story includes a nefarious plot concocted by an evil hand puppet.
Some of the better story elements are the holy hot tub, the magical dog,
the most sterotypical gay characters in movie history, a street thug
named Waco and a musician who plays the harmonica and a two-by-four and
is somehow able to create authentic full-band blue-grass sounds. Did I
mention he wears a colander for a hat? And for the coup-de-grace, there
is an evil playground. Oh yeah, everyone speaks in some kind of mixed
up Shakespearean dialect and are constantly saying "Yea verily!" in the
most out of context situations. Watch the Dogs face when Mother Speed
goes into her trance. Over and out.
Crary Myers, firstname.lastname@example.org